I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
