She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
