DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
