Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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