After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
