I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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