Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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