did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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