Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
