Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
