Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
