and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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