I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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