To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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