There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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