the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
