my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
