My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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