quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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