What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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