the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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