woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
