I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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