im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
