I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
sarcasm needs its own font
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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