ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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