she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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