if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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