Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
