So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My life is pants optional.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
