tonight lets celebrate not being married
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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