they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she told me i tasted like america
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
