Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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