I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
