billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
