end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
