i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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