Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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