I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
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