Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
pop tarts are not kleenex
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
