It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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