Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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