I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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