You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
