Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
