Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
