Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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