just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
