I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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