just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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