Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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