It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My bed smells like the plague
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
