if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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