Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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