i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
