dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize