This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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